Lipstick Makes Everything Better

Lipstick’s Thoughts on the Karen Klein (Bullied Bus Monitor) Case June 30, 2012

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…

Tell that to the kid who hung himself because he couldn’t take the gay bashing anymore.

Tell that to the kid who’s starving herself because at 5’10″ and 125 pounds her boyfriend said she’s fat.

Tell that to the kid who can’t get his class work done because another kid teases him mercilessly for kicks and giggles.

Words hurt. And it’s the aftershock of these words that continues to make bullying one of the hottest buttons in the US today.

So, when I learned that the kids that berated bus monitor Karen Klein were given 50 hours of community service and sent to an alternative school for a year I wasn’t surprised. And here’s why:

1- It’s hard to prove bullying. It’s similar to heresy in court. It’s my word against yours. I can tell you all day long that I was told I was fat but that doesn’t prove anything. But this whole situation was captured on video by the bullies! There is no denying it.

2. You don’t just start bullying an elderly lady. There’s always more to the story. I’d venture to say this isn’t the first time these kids have been in trouble. They were too confident in their delivery & too in tune with each other. And typically first or second offenders aren’t sent to alternative schools.

3. And to get a bit more personal… If these kids are repeatedly bullying others then their disruption could be keeping other kids (maybe even yours!) from learning. We all have some kid we have an affinity toward even if we haven’t birthed or adopted them. You love him or her and want them to succeed in every way possible. And anything or anyone who’s hindering that causes us to buck up like a mama goose to fight ‘em. Maybe the administrators, like you & I, had enough. This incident could be the tipping point for bully punishment.

And yes, I agree with the punishment. I tried to watch the video but couldn’t get through a full minute of it. I know it’s kosher to link to videos about which you’re referring in the blog world but I can’t bring myself to do it. The language of the children and Klein’s reaction are too heartbreaking.

I’ve gotten into a few arguments over my agreement with the punishment. But, I’m going to get real honest real quick: I’m tired of shit head kids and adults dominating this world.

1. I’m tired of sexual abuse to our children, our women, and yes, our men.

2. I’m tired of cruel words that defame and degrade people for their look, sexuality, race, or lifestyle choices.

3. I’m tired of second glances at mixed race couples, disabled adults, and unkempt children.

I’m tired of a world where evil is allowed to
dominate in the name of tolerance.

I’m ready for people to take a stand against sinful behavior that causes damage to others. I’m ready for those of us who believe God came to give us life more abundant to start telling others that life more abundant begins by living in the parameters set up for us.

My Lord & Savior came to shake things up.
He came to offer compassion and deliverance
but He also came to deliver judgement.

And I speak from experience. I was a nice kid but I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t a bully but there were times when I was too big for my britches. I said things and had to pay for them. I still do. My words can be as cruel as if Satan himself is speaking through me.

And, just like any kid that gets caught in sin, I have had to deal with the consequences.

So, yes, it’s hard to see harsh punishment given to kids who bully an adult. Every excuse in the book could come out of our mouths. But what if that woman was your mom? What is that was your son? What if it was your niece?

And, I could go on and on about the actual bullies and why they feel the need, even at such a young age, to put someone down to make themselves feel better. I hate they feel that way. I want to love and encourage them more than the victim. But they have to learn. Consequences are part of life.

So what does all of this mean for you & me? Let’s try harder to speak words of kindness to each other. Let’s love as Christ loves us.

Let’s do unto others as we’d have them do unto us.

Living Fearless in a Fear-Filled World June 28, 2012

I’m big on milestones and mementos. If I have a great first date with someone, I’m likely to save something from said date just in case it’s needed from some cutesy gift in the future. If I hear you say you like my bracelet, I’m going to get you one and surprise you with it at a future date. I like to remember moments and I think keepsakes help me remember them.

So, for me, my first  post after my birthday should matter. I started writing publicly six months before I turned 30. That blog was called Growing Up Writing. I wanted to capture the end of my 20s and entrance into a new decade. It was a moment blog. Lipstick continues to unfold as a lifetime blog. And I want to capture specific moments and share them with you.

The moments leading up to my birthday and into this day continue to point to one thing – I live a fearful life. I’m not afraid to leave my house or anything (my poor cat knows I’m gone as much as I’m here) but I am afraid to really chase dreams for fear of failure. And fearing failure is counter intuitive to who God made me to be. I’m a dreamer. I’m a chaser. I’m a live liver. Yet, for the past few years, I’ve been a fear dweller.

I had a conversation with someone I really like recently and I realized just how walled up I’ve become. I can blame past relationships and hardships, but the truth is, I’ve put every brick in the wall I’ve built. The conversation revealed one big thing in my fearful life; I fear intimacy with another person. As much as I want love, I fear the steps that take to get me to the point of love. I don’t want to let someone in too close for fear he might demolish me.

Seriously? I’ve been through every ringer known in the book of dating.
Why would I think a few dates would send me to the psych ward?

Fear encompasses a lot more than just my fear of intimacy. I’m afraid to chase dreams in my career. I’m afraid to speak up for myself in various settings. I’m afraid to be the wide-open vibrant woman I’m created to be.

I think I fear rejection and failure, but mostly rejection. I see rejection as “I’m not enough.” 

I tell you my fear-filled existence to lead to my goal for my next year of life: to be fearless. Now, I’m not jumping out of any plane, so don’t call 1-900-sky-dive. But I do want to grab life in a more wide open manner. I think there are people and places to be enjoyed with a realization that I don’t have to plan for each moment to ensure success. Rejection and failure may come, but they may not come. Not every moment can be dictated. But every moment can be lived. 

And I want to live. I want to go to the beach and meet boys and go to wild parties and dance.

Truthfully, if I want to live a life that’s enough I need to chase after life. Each brick I put in my wall doesn’t protect me from hurt; it allows the hurt to stay with me. And that’s no way of living. Yes, the next man I meet may break my heart. Or, he may be my new best friend. But, there’s no way to tell if I keep him, and everyone else, at arm’s length. The same can be said for not going to a party because I don’t know anyone or not speaking up in a business meeting because I might sound silly.

So, I’m going into this next year wanting more out of life and willing to put more into it. I’m going to live fearlessly in a fear-filled world. And why not? If God is for me, who can be against me?

Make Up Monday: Loving Luscious Lipstick June 25, 2012

I know I’ve been slack on my Make Up Monday postings. Honestly, as much as I LOVE make up, it’s hard for me to write about it. So, like most things I find hard, I avoid it. Shame. Shame. Shame.

I’m popping back into today with a great new lipstick that I got through one of my Birchbox subscription. (Girls, if you love makeup and aren’t signed up to receive 4-5 usable samples tailored to you each month for only $10 from Birchbox go do it right this minute!) A month or so ago I got a full size lipstick from tarte called LipSurgence lip tint. I’m pretty sure it’s my favorite score to date from Birchbox. InStyle magazine also awarded it best lip stain for 2012.

From the Website:  These anticipated natural gel lip tints are an extension to our best-selling and award-winning cheek stains and like our iconic stains each emotive, peppermint-infused shade glides on smooth for a natural flush that will stay all day.

Earth engineered from a proprietary blend of plant bio-nutrients, our LipSurgence™ technology quickly absorbs into the skin delivering a surge of moisture on a cellular level, effectively and naturally increasing skin’s water content for a ‘plumped up’ appearance. The result is naturally fuller, healthier lips without any irritation or stinging.

From this gal: I’m telling you, I love how the LipSurgence feels when I apply it. It’s not ooey-gooey like some lip glosses but also not drying like others. It’s a perfect mix of smooth feeling with lots of sassy color.

You can find the LipSurgence at any major beauty retailer such as Ulta, Sephora, and Birchbox. You can also order it directly from the tarte website. Everywhere I looked it cost $24 plus taxes and should last you at least 6 months. It doesn’t take a lot to make your lips look kissably delicious!

A Glass Ceiling to My (Un)Answered Prayer June 20, 2012

Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” Genesis 18:10-12 (emphasis added)

I debated calling this post “A Cynic’s Heart That’s Tired of Prayer” but I thought you might not read it. But, my heart remains more flustered and frustrated than it does joyful and hopeful these days. A lot of the “UH!” feeling has to do with two unanswered prayers.

I’ve perused around the topic of unanswered prayers a lot in my life. My first (and only) sermon I ever preached was in my teenage years on a youth Sunday. I’d heard Garth Brooks‘s Unanswered Prayers and thought surely that song would yield a stellar sermon. (I also performed a lyrical dance to Hotel California by the Eagles in the Junior Miss pageant. I don’t think I have the best judgement.)

Anyway, at that age I knew enough to quote the standard, “There are no unanswered prayers. You get a ‘yes’, ‘no,’ or ‘wait’, but He always answers.” I toddled around that stimulating idea for a good seven minutes, dinosaurs were somehow included, and everyone thought I was adorable. Win.

Many years later I find that answer slightly maddening. And by slightly I mean absolutely, completely, without-a-doubt maddening.

And I finally get why Sarah laughed when God told her she was gonna have a kid in the next year. It’s not that she didn’t have faith. It’s that God had promised her a child so many years ago and still hadn’t come through with the promise.

Her faith screamed, “I believe if You wanted to give me a child this minute You would. You are CHOOSING NOT to answer a desire that YOU placed on my heart.”

But her cynical heart laughed, “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. Thanks for reinforcing that I’m still childless and You still haven’t come through with that promise.”

It’s cynical. It’s sinful. And it’s absolutely the same space in which I’m sitting right now. I can feel my inner prayers starting to flow into my outer being, “Yep. God, you given me a few heart desires, promised You’d answer ‘em if I was faithful. Guess what, I’ve been faithful. I’ve held up my end of the bargain. I’m not perfect but I’m trying my best. Where are You in this, God? Where?”

I grew up with a reverence for God and strictness to how I communicated with Him. I’ve mentioned many times I began actually having a relationship with Him in college. But, I think we hit the real deal when I turned 30. Because at 30 not much in my life was where He’d suggested it would be… I fully believe in God-ordained desires. So, if He’s gonna give me desires it’d be lovely if He’d get to fulfilling them!

And, dadgummit, when life seemed to be heading downhill fast, I got angry with Him. I could list my righteous ways to you up one side and down the other. I remember crumbling on the steps where I lived and begging God to come through for me; to give me the desire of my heart. And in that moment began the long and arduous journey to today.

My relationship over the last few years has been strained with God and my prayer life has become rather limited. I pray for others, but, for the most part, I’ve stopped praying for me. I, like Sarah, laugh; a snarky, cynical laugh.

I sorta think if God wanted to come through for me He would have by now.
I’m not on the top of His list. I’m a “get to her when I get her” gal. 

Now, do I fully believe I’m on God’s back burner? Not totally… But, I can tell you I’m clinging to the Psalms like never before in hopes that I too can get to the part where I’m totally comfortable saying… I’m angry and hurt and You’ve left me, but I still believe in You.  The thing is I do believe in Him for others. I just don’t always believe in Him for me. The glass ceiling of my prayers continues to jade my relationship with Him.

I have two prayers. Two. I’ve petitioned them on His throne so many times to no avail. For years I’ve gone to Him, asking others to go to Him for me, and He’s simply silent. For the most part, until recently, I’d gave up on Him ever coming through and I took matters into my own hands. (Um, hello Ishmael). It doesn’t work. So, I find myself attempting to get back on my knees begging for the answer to these prayers.

Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. ² Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him… Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.” Genesis 21: 1-2, 6-7 (emphasis added)

My cynicism hasn’t left me. I’m not sure when it will. But I anxiously await the day when I look back and laugh too.

Let’s Talk About Sex June 18, 2012

But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea. Matthew 18:6

The Jerry Sandusky trial has sparked a mournful fire in me for those struggling to acknowledge, overcome, process, or just deal with sexual abuse in their life. Let me be clear from the start, I’ve never been a victim of sexual abuse so I’m not speaking from personal experience. I’m not sure if that changes my words in your mind. Know I have a heart of empathy and nothing causes me more pain than to see others mistreated.

Sex is meant to be a lovely and beautiful gift from God showcasing the love of two people; two becoming one. When that opportunity is ripped from someone through abuse he/she can often see sex as a curse; not a gift. And from what I’ve seen, the curse continues violently throughout life until a victim faces the situation and seeks healing from it.

I started really thinking about the effects of sexual abuse years ago when I read a book called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. In it the main character, Angel, is a prostitute. God tells a man, Michael Hosea, to take her away from the brothel and marry her. We see their lives unfold from there. We see that Angel became a prostitute because a) she was trapped by a man who sexually abused from a young age and b) her attacker brainwashed her into thinking her only purpose was to please men.

The fictional book sparked a curiosity in me to start to look beyond a situation and into the heart of a person.

• Is a woman stripping at a night club because she enjoys taking her clothes off in front of strange men?
• Is a teenager girl sleeping with any boy who pays attention to her because she enjoys sex?
• Is a married woman reading soft core porn because all of her friends tell her she’ll enjoy it?

Or, is there more to the story when we’re living outside of the sexual freedom God intended for us?

I don’t think sexual abuse is always the answer to someone’s promiscuity.  I think many of us want to feel loved by someone so much we’ll do anything for affirmation. But, I do believe we’re living in a world so tainted by sinful sex that we’ve forgotten it’s meant as a gift.

Beth Moore once talked about my key verse for the day and how she believes Jesus was specifically addressing sexual abusers with this verse. If sex between two people is meant to be the ultimate physical version of love given directly from Creator to created, then any abuse of this gift, especially with a child, would mean complete damnation.

But, Beth, nor I, speak on this subject to begin to accuse others for our own sinful nature. It’s because I believe no matter what we’ve been through in our past, we can’t live in sinful defeat.

I lived several years in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I fully believe I carried so much of that hurt around with me for so long that it kept me from ever being healthy in another relationship. I was allowing myself to remain a victim instead of allowing God to intervene and restore me. Christine Caine once said she spent a few years being abused and many more years being restored.

I choose to live in restoration! So, if you or someone you know is currently or has been abused, know you serve a God who DOES NOT AGREE WITH THIS ACTION.

I know that’s hard to believe. I’m praying two prayers right now that are not getting answered. I’ll delve into my frustrations with lack of answer later this week, but I still believe prayer works. I believe we live in a world dominated by Satan but overcome by God.

Just as a coach at one of the most storied football programs in American history is seeing his day in court, your attacker will face his Judge one day. And know the Lord does not deal kindly with anyone who hurts His own. And know He seeks to restore you, wherever you are, to whomever He’s planned you to be. He loves you so much. Let Him.

PS – If some really great information from someone who’s in the trenches you need to learn more about Hookers for Jesus, a ministry started by Annie Lobert. From her Twitter profile: Wife of @sirozfox I’m @annielobert Overcomer of #sextrafficking, speaker, author & founder of @hookersforjesus @thedestinyhouse home for sex trafficked victims

Your Circumstance Doesn’t Define You June 13, 2012

In case you’re wondering, I’m still doing the whole running thing I talked about a few weeks ago. I’m not much for quitting though I’ll tell ya… my body sometimes wishes I would. As I write this I’ve got 4 Advil in me and I still hurt!

Anyway, on my run this morning I decided I was going to tackle this hard a– hill that I’d attempted only once before and it was tragic. My feet actually stopped running. STOPPED. A Mac does not stop. Uh. My desire to beat the hill felt stronger than my desire to eat lunch today. So, I steadied my pace and put one foot in front of the other.

I barely made it to the top, as the last part of said hard a— hill feels almost vertical. But I pushed through and as soon as I reached the top a thought hit me, “Circumstance would tell me I’m not in good enough running shape to take that hill. I’ve got fake ligaments in both knees. I’m (ahem) not 25 anymore. I’m super sore from my weight training yesterday and I’m starving at this moment. Circumstances were against me, but they didn’t define me.”

As I finished up my run I thought back to when I first hurt my knee. I was in middle school and messing around on a gymnastics mat during a cheerleading practice. There was a tiny pop in my knee. That pop led to a not-so-tiny crumble by me. I ended up in a straight leg brace right before competition and, more importantly, high school cheerleading tryout.

You can snub on my love of cheerleading all day long. I don’t care. I’m a born cheerleader. I love sports. I love encouraging. I’m chipper to a fault. And I’m loud. Really really loud. So, to face trying out for high school cheerleading with a bum knee was the picture of discouragement.

Yet, I went after it with pure determination and trusted the if God wanted me on the squad the judges would see talent in what I could do and potential for more when my knee healed. And, I made the squad. That summer during camp I was made co-captain of the squad. Freshmen aren’t co-captains on any kind of team. But, the potential they saw came through beautifully when my knee functioned again.

So, I thought to myself earlier today, if I relied on the Lord’s strength and refused to believe a knee brace could define my circumstance in a cheerleading tryout, why do I so willingly let myself be defined by circumstances today?

What about you? Are you allowing a circumstance to define you?

• Do you find your value in the work you do? When things go wrong do you feel your value lessens?
• Is your Louis Vuitton your prized possession? If you had to sell it would you lose your status with your friends?
• Are you residing in a place financially that doesn’t match your need? Do you need help from others but can’t accept it?
• Are you single?  Are you divorced? Are you widowed? Are you allowing the world’s definition of a relationship to define how you see yourself?

You know the world doesn’t win, right? You know you are who God says you are.

• You aren’t your work. You are God’s child. So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir. Galatians 5:7
• You aren’t your possessions. You are God’s to clothe.And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? Matthew 6:28-30
• You aren’t your finances. You are God’s provision.And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
• You aren’t your relationship status. You are God’s love. For as a young man marries a virgin, So your sons will marry you; And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you. Isaiah 62:5

Just as I was more than a tall blond with a bum knee and a loud mouth many moons ago and a taller blond with a semi-bum knee today, I’m more than anything the world wants to throw at me. When I give my entire being over to who God says I am, I’m able to do anything through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13) It’s truly easier to write giving over my entire being than it is to do, but life has taught me over and over again that when I relinquish control to Him things work out much better.

Today I choose to believe I’m not my circumstances. I am who He says I am.

Mixing Work with Pleasure for a Great Cause: Meet Rye Barcott June 12, 2012

Y’all know by now I get to spend a lot of time around cool people. Next Thursday, June 21, I get to hang out with a fellow Tar Heel, Rye Barcott, who is making a huge difference with his book It Happened on the Way to War at a fundraising event that benefits the Charlotte Mecklenburg Library.

If you know me at all, you know I love connecting with people passionate about something, anything. My personal passions for change are around sexual abuse and human trafficking, and literacy improvement. But, I don’t need you to be wrapped up in my causes to encourage you in your own. I just think we all should be giving back to the world in which we live in some way, shape, or form.

In 2000, when I was trying to find myself post-college, Rye was learning the travesty that is war-torn Africa. (Hey, we all learn differently… it took me longer to get out my own selfish way!) His bio on his Website makes me want to know him more and introduce him to anyone and everyone who can further his cause.

From his Website: In 2000, Rye Barcott spent part of the summer living in ten-by-ten-foot shacks in the Kibera slum of Nairobi, Kenya. He was a twenty-year-old college student heading into the Marines, and he sought to better understand ethnic violence—something he would likely face in uniform. Barcott learned Swahili and listened to young people talk about how they survived amidst poverty he had never imagined existed. He stumbled into friendship with a widowed nurse, Tabitha Atieno Festo, and a tough community organizer, Salim Mohamed.

As I read Rye’s bio, I think about my own life story and reflect on a life mantra of mine: To whom much is given, much is expected (Luke 12:48). However, Jesus’s famous words mean more to me than “If I’m rich, I give, but if I’m poor, I’m off the hook.”  I fully believe we’ve all be entrusted with some sort of gift. It’s our job to use said gift.

Mine happens to be knowing your current situation doesn’t dictate your future possibility. That’s why, I believe, God continues to give me the opportunity to connect good people with other good people.

So, if you live in the Charlotte area, come out and join us Thursday, June 21 from 5-7:30 p.m. at Zink. American Kitchen. All the details are below. I hope to see you there! And, if you’ve got space on your blog to link to this one and help me tell Rye’s story, please do so. I fully give you permission to repost and repurpose this article.

Literacy Cocktail Hour to Benefit Charlotte Mecklenburg Library

WHO: Friends of the Charlotte Mecklenburg Library and Rye Barcott, #6 on WSJ Bestseller List last week, and winner of the 2011 Ragan Old North State Award for best nonfiction in North Carolina for his book It Happened on the Way to War.

WHEN:  June 21, 2012. 5-7:30 p.m. Rye will speak around 6.

WHERE: Zink. American Kitchen. 4310 Sharon Road, Ste. W01. Charlotte, NC 28210 - Located at The Village at SouthPark, and adjacent to SouthPark Mall

WHY: Besides getting to hear a cool story and meet like-minded folks? Well… a portion of all proceeds also benefit the Charlotte Mecklenburg Library’s book and materials budget!

RSVP:  Arden – amclaughlin@cmlibrary.org

Update per some questions I’ve gotten: This event is free! A portion of all proceeds of the Dine Out for Books event will be donated to the Library. And the Library always accepts donations.

The Need to Read: Great Book Options for All

In my Need to Read segment June 5, 2012 I was lucky enough to talk about a friend’s dad, a favorite Christian chick lit author, and a book that touched me years ago;  Make It Count: The Life & Times of Basketball Great JoJo White by Mark C. Bodanza, Back to Life by Kristin Billerbeck and A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest J. Gaines.

Check out the link here.

The Fine Line Between How God Made Me & Where Satan Exploits Me June 6, 2012

Your spiritual gifts are not accessible through your own strength, but through your faith in He who provides them. - Jarrid Wilson

I’ve written a lot this week about my feeling of depletion; I’m giving of myself to others without taking time to fill up again. I’m teetering on a fine line between God using the gift He gave me (encouragement) and Satan exploiting said gift. Get thee behind me, Satan, because I REFUSE to let you win!

It’s one thing to feel compassion for people and want to help them. It’s another to act as though I’m their only help. I’m exhausting my God-given gift by using it on my own terms. I’m not fully allowing His gift and His name to be glorified. And, ultimately, He requires all the glory.

When I try to encourage, love, and speak Truth into someone’s life
without ever asking the Creator of the Truth to enter into the
encouraging, loving, or speaking I’m working on my own strength.

Though I can now lift 12-pound dumbbells with each string-bean arm (holla!) my own strength has nothing on His strength. My weakness was so very real Sunday evening into Monday. I realized Sunday evening late, after the 4-5 days of pouring and pouring, that I would be useless the next day. I semi-explained my situation to my boss and went to bed thinking I’d sleep in and wake up Monday refreshed; a new day full of new blessings.

It didn’t work that way. Though I spent all day Monday listening to praise music, reading Scripture, and praying (all seemed like the Christian things to do to refuel) my entire being continued to feel empty. As a person who struggles with depression, I felt myself slowly sliding into it.

• I got out of bed around 10 and felt sluggish.
• I sat on my porch begging God to replenish me.
• I began reading Psalms.
• I tried to relate to the Psalms.
• It wasn’t working so I started reading a spiritual book.
• It wasn’t working so I thought maybe a run with praise music would work.
• And so on …
• And so on …
• And so on …

I wrote Monday about my feeling of depletion and many of you checked in to encourage me which was so kind. But, in Bible study Tuesday I admitted to my gal pals that I know I’m not being intentional in separating the God-given gift from the Satan-riddled exploitation.

Why? Because there’s a part of me that likes knowing people come to me when they have problems and need encouragement. Like many of you, I’m always wondering if I’m enough. I find value in you wanting me.

And in that slip from He to me I’ve fallen victim to Satan’s snare. No wonder I feel depressed. I’ve walked out of God’s plan and into my own again. Even though my intentions were for the good, by taking on feelings that weren’t mine to own I’ve taken away the value of the cross.

Jesus died on that ugly, retched cross at Calvary so that I would bear no sin. Not a one. He also died on it so I’d carry no sadness, no pain, no evil ugliness of this world. He died for me to be light and free from sin; to connect me to His Heavenly Father forever.

But, I’m not just called to be light and free (though I do enjoy skipping through wild flowers). I’m also called to be an active participant in the furthering of Jesus’s Kingdom. I’m called to love on others.

• I’m built to wish you happy birthday 49 times.
• I’m built to listen to you cry about someone who’s broken your heart.
• I’m built to mend fences and help you see all sides of a story.
• I’m built to love your sister & her pain because her pain is your pain and your pain is my pain.

I’m built to love on you and be better to you than you are to yourself. I see things in you that no one else sees. It’s such a gift to see these things and love you no matter what. But, I was never meant to carry your burdens further than to the throne. And that’s where I kept  falling short.

I kept messing up until Tuesday morning. The previous night I’d gotten two more bits of sad news that could’ve yielded yet another day of sadness. Instead of doing those Christiany acts to reap Godly benefits, I went straight to God. No pomp. No circumstance. Just messy me.

I laid every single burden on my heart at His feet. It took a while because I named each of them and visualized myself setting them at His feet. When I was done, I imagined myself crawling into God’s lap and being cuddled close. I took time to be with Him and feel His arms around me.

You see, praising Him, reading about Him, talking to Him are awesome actions. They’re part of a daily walk that keep us in communion with each other. But, until I gave God all I was holding I couldn’t rest in Him. There’s not room for Him to act when I’m pulling all the strings.

So, the burdens  still come to mind, but they rest at God’s feet now. The fine line between God and Satan always remains while we’re in this world. It’s part of our daily living. But, when we recognize evil and refuse to let it enter our situation, we get another Kingdom victory!

Full Time Out: Depleted Gal Seeks to be Refilled June 4, 2012

I took a full time out today. The last four or five days have been emotionally exhausting. The details for the exhaustion aren’t for public consumption but I can share with you how I spent the final two hours of my day yesterday: sobbing. Sobbing for those who hurt. Sobbing from lack of peace. Sobbing over loneliness among so many I know. Sobbing.

My sobs turned into jagged prayers. I knew the burdens I’d been carrying weren’t mine to bear but I have a hard time letting things go when I don’t understand them. But, let them go I did. And I found myself empty; used up.

I decided today I would cancel all my plans and spend the day getting filled up with the Lord. I know I can only love those in my life when I’m overflowing with the Lord’s love. I decided to do anything I could to get intentional in it. This morning I read something perfectly ordained for my day.

Any relationship, if it is going to grow, needs private space, time together without an agenda, where you can get to know each other. This creates an environment where closeness can happen, where we can begin to understand each other’s hearts.  You don’t create intimacy; you make room for it. — from A Praying Life by Paul Miller.

God absolutely affirmed I needed to make room for Him to fill me. Though I had to postpone a major planning meeting and a fun lunch, I know I would’ve been a wreck in both situations. It took me 5 days to break into major sobs and bearing of my soul. Why would I think I could regain strength in a typical quiet time?

How about you? Are you running on empty and trying to pour out to others with what little you have within you? Or, maybe you are overflowing but holding on to the overflow so you don’t lose it? Neither works.

I hope you’re loving from the overflow of the Lord and His workers pouring into you. We’re His vessels; He fills us to be poured. And please pray for me as I continue to refuel today.