I’ve lost my way.
I kept repeating that phrase… My spirit radiated lost; loser. And I couldn’t get away from it. To be honest, the lost feeling perpetrated every aspect of my life. But, y’all relate most to my quest for a meaningful dating relationship so I’ll leave out my financial strains, work frustrations, and friendship woes.
Lemme tell ya a story called, I almost gave up any sense of self-worth to become a woman who sleeps around to feel something while remaining emotionally disconnected so I don’t feel too much.
It’s no secret to any of my readers that I’d love to be with my maaaaaaaaaaaaaan already. My man of God whose words match his actions. The one who gets me. The one who loves me (quirks included) with all of his being. It’d been slow to happen and I got t-i-r-e-d of waiting.
Soooo… I surrendered my stubbornness and credit card number to match.com. Why match over eharmony or the good ol’ “woman seeking man” ads on Craigslist? Because match offered the most control. I can check a few boxes and have an assortment of men awaiting me. Control. Yeah… that’s never a good sign.
And I started dating. Lots. And lots. I met some nice guys and some totally tragic ones. I told myself I had to give more men a chance and therefore said “yes” to a lot of dates. (One day I’ll write those stories fo sho!) You know what I felt though? Emptiness. Though I prayed over every situation and man appearing, I wasn’t feeling God totally penetrating the time spent with these men.
Know what I saw? A man’s use of foul language grates my very being but I never encouraged any of them to stop. I heard more sexual references, cuss words, and ill-treatment of other women from these dates than I’d heard in years. At one point I thought, “This is what’s left and I’m gonna have to deal.”
I’d chosen defeat over victory. I’d chosen the world over the Kingdom. I’d chosen Satan over Christ.
I promise you that I really started contemplating a lifestyle of getting my physical needs met while abandoning my desire for an emotional connection. I tell you this simply because I think many of us go to this place. Sex is so easy. I get offers on a regular basis for a little bangin booty. But, sex outside of marriage is not God’s way. It’s choosing a quick fix while succumbing to defeat.
And let me be a bit more honest… I wanted to sin so God would come for me; rip me out of my sinfulness and lead me to His way again. Y’all, I felt so abandoned by Him.
Then I heard an Elevation Church campus pastors, Larry Brey, speak and remind me I’m not abandoned. At all. And the way I thought about myself (good on paper not in person, nothing but a pretty face not worth keeping after that first kiss, someone’s conquest) IS NOT how God thinks of me.
Brey told me, “The only one who has the right to label me is the One who made me.”
And I realized the labels I gave myself that were leading me down this dark path were from Satan. He’d begun slowly taking my insecurities, while placing obstacles in my life, to lead me away from the Lord’s plan.
My labels, and yours, belong to the Lord.
Let’s choose today to believe we are who GOD says we are. Pray over His words for you. Believe me, He’s got some STELLAR vocabulary awaiting your arrival.